


Yearning for Something

by sp00kyb00



Category: Moominvalley (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: M/M, Snusmumriken | Snufkin Has Paws and a Tail, but its not very obvious in this, hes also trans!, i dont know how ao3 works!, im terrified!, just a little detail i like, moomin thinks for a long time, my first moomin fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 20:51:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19363942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sp00kyb00/pseuds/sp00kyb00
Summary: Moomintroll can't help but think that maybe he wants something different.





	Yearning for Something

**Author's Note:**

> welp i dont usually write fanfic but boy here i go with this lil thing! im not really sure what im doing but i wanted to write this cos ive been feeling a Certain Way. i hope you enjoy! im dyslexic and read this over twenty times so i hope its alright!!!!

No one ever asked the trees why they grow. It wasn’t really a question they could answer after all, as trees couldn't talk besides the rustling of their leaves in the wing, but it was a question that hung on Moomintroll’s mind from time to time. What made them decide to grow? To create bustling forests filled with life and reach so high into the sky that they nearly touched the clouds? Some skinny and short, other's wide and tall. They all had different types of leaves and bark. Some even grew fruit and intoxicating flowers. How could a tree decide what it wanted to be? What it wanted to do? He could be given many different types of answers, most scientific, but those weren’t as interesting.

He wondered if the trees ever wished they had decided to grow somewhere else. If they could pick up their roots and walk to a better spot of sun, would they do it? Would a tree want to travel the world? Would a tree want to change all it ever knew? Grow in a different way and be something new? Would an apple tree long to grow pears or oranges instead? Did a weeping willow wish to be like a tall oak tree?

Absurd thoughts one might say, but as Moomintroll gazed up at the pines above him, light of the sun shining down into his eyes, he couldn’t help but wonder. Did the trees yearn for something? Something unexpected and different from what they were comfortable with? Did they want to stand next to a different kind of tree? Perhaps a nice spruce tree or maybe not even a tree at all. Maybe this tree yearned to be next to a lovely honeysuckle bush that would grow up against it's trunk and surround it with the sweet perfume it gave off. Could a tree even yearn in the first place? Probably not. How silly of him.

He sighed. Frustrated and unsure of himself. Laying here wasn’t doing him any good, but still he hoped that moss and mushrooms would slowly begin to take him over, making him part of the ecosystem. Maybe a tree would sprout from where his body lay, giving him all the answers to the questions he asked himself during times of contemplation. Although, truthfully he would prefer to just hide away for a time. He had a lot on his mind and it was easier to focus on the trees than his own problems. After all, trees didn't have much to worry about as long as there wasn't an ax laying about.

But, that was the problem with thoughts. It could be hard to keep them at bay. They didn’t like to be caged, they liked to run rampant and keep you up into the late hours of the night with a tightness in your chest. They were like oil in a pot, bubbling and boiling. They got closer to spilling out, rising from the heat and catching the flame, igniting a fire that would never go out. It would burn right through the walls, licking at the wallpaper with malice and take over the entire kitchen in the blink of an eye, then the rest of the home that was Moomintroll’s own mind, leaving nothing but an ashy reminder of what was once there. What a mess.

The young Moomin was deeper in thought than he had liked to be. It was too late to push back the floodgates, because the world around him was already submerged. He wanted to think of other things, but each topic he tried to use to occupy himself turned right back to the problem at hand. From thinking of the trees to the worms that crawled deep beneath the dirt; he couldn't get his mind off the one thing he wanted so desperately to. At this point, he let himself drown deep down into his mind. He couldn’t keep himself above water any longer, he needed to take a big gulp of air and let everything flow. He was a marvelous swimmer, he could get through this flood, he just had to let himself feel for a little while. He sighed again and it felt like water was filling his lungs. 

It had been such a lovely spring. Flowers were blooming every which way, smiling up towards the sun as it shone down upon them. Everyone was waking up and greeting the new year before them, saying hello and how do you do to each woken neighbor. There hadn't been a single cloud in the sky and all sorts of birds returning home sang dutifully. He had woken up feeling refreshed from his long hibernation, Moominmamma starting their first day off right with making the fluffiest pancakes Moomintroll had ever tasted—that is, besides the ones from the prior year, and he covered it in sweet jam and honey. It was looking to be a superb spring.

Snufkin had even arrived bright and early with a bounce in his step. His camp was set up near a gathering of dandelions, with the river and Moominhouse as his view. They talked and laughed, enjoying each others company as they always did. Moomin had missed his best friend so dearly, even having been asleep, that pang in his heart had been so prominent. His dreams were filled with memories and ideas of adventures he had and would share with Snufkin. Being next to him again was the cherry on top.

But like all good days, bad ones are sure to appear out of the blue. Like dark, threatening storm clouds on the horizon that blocked out all sunshine. Yelling sharply with lightning and bitterly with thunder, rain falling hard enough to sting at your skin. Hail could coming crashing down, breaking windows and destroying flower beds, or even a tornado could run wild, taking up entire homes and forests. Some storms were worst than others. 

Moomintroll only blamed himself. It was his own fault for being selfish and distant. He began more time alone, listening to the breeze and thinking of the deep thoughts in his mind that refused to leave him be. Everyone noticed, the only one who brought it up in the beginning was Little My, but Mamma hushed her up right away. A young man needs time to think she had said, going back to her knitting with Little My right beside her. 

It only got worse when Snorkmaiden began to drag him around. Normally, he wouldn’t mind. He enjoyed spending time with her. Picking her flowers and dancing with her while Moominpapa’s old radio played more static than music. Yet, there was an itch at the back of his mind. More thoughts. Too many. He was beginning to think he thought too much. The more time he spent with her, the more time he wanted to spend alone. He couldn't find it in himself to even look at her most of the time. He began to hurt and ache, unable to explain why. He was afraid to even talk, all excuses running out of him before he could even open his mouth. He had hoped, more than anything, that she would never notice. 

Then one, bright, sunny day, Snorkmaiden took his paw in her own and lead him down to the river where they sat. No picnic. No flower picking. No fishing.

“You’re unhappy,” she had said. Moomintroll wasn’t sure how she knew that. He hadn’t even come to terms with it himself. Was it really so obvious? 

He wanted to argue, but his mouth had gone dry and his tailed began to curl. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was unhappy. Yet, he refused to admit it. He was too afraid that he would make her upset, but that was the thing; she wasn't upset at all. She wasn’t angry or even sad. She had a smile on her face. A comforting one that reminded him of Mamma’s when she would listen to him on a bad day. She had let go of his paw so she could hold his head in her hands when he tried to look away. There was knowing in her eyes and Moomin wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He was almost certain she could read right into his thoughts, knowing every detail and spark of emotion. Maybe she understood more than he did about himself. Something about that scared him.

“You need your time,” she went on, paws never leaving his face, her thumb tracing a small circle over the fur on his cheek. He felt strange in her grasp, like there were pins and needles all over him. It wasn’t something he had felt before. Normally he was fine with her touching him, especially in a loving way, but right now he would rather be anywhere else. He sat rigid and tense, eyes looking everywhere but directly at her. He was so scared that at any moment she would begin to cry or yell. That she would tell him how selfish he was being and that he was hurting her.

It never came.

"I’ll still be here waiting when you've figured it all out,” she said with that wistful sparkle in her eye. What did she know that he didn’t? How could she read his thoughts so easily? How could she tell what he needed when he didn’t even know himself? His stomach turned, feeling distant in her hands. Could he really be so transparent?

When she finally let go of him, it felt like a breath of fresh air. He wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t even sure what was fully happening until she stood up, dusting the grass from her knees and began to walk back up the bank. He could hear his heart pounding, feeling it ring in his ears like a symphony of broken drums. 

“Please do what makes you happy, my silly Moomintroll.” She looked over her shoulder with another smile, aimed right at him. Yes, he was sure that she knew more than he did. He wondered if he even knew himself at all. 

He wanted to feel ease, knowing she wasn't cross with him. She didn't cry. She was being her normal, pleasant self. She was more understanding that he had thought her to be. Maybe he had been too naive. Too lost in thought and fueled with anxiety that made his chest rattle. It was an awful feeling, he should never have doubted Snorkmaiden. He just wished he had been the one to bring it all up. It felt too soon this way. Like taking off a band aid while the wound still bled. 

Now he lay here under the pines with that same gut wrenching feeling of vile anxiety. It twisted around in his stomach like angry bees buzzing from their hive after someone had thrown a pebble in its direction. His thoughts had lingered on Snorkmaiden for sometime, beginning to understand what she meant. Yes, she was right. He was unhappy, but it wasn’t her fault. He wished he would have told her that when they had talked, he felt guilty for not giving her any comfort when she poured her heart out for him.

He loved Snorkmaiden. He had done a lot for her and a lot to gain her attention, but in the end something about being with her didn’t make him happy. Not like it should. One would think she was the perfect partner. Beautiful, romantic and kind. She always had a compliment ready or loose idea to make a day less boring. She did her best to understand even the most difficult of things. Yet, no matter how many nice things she said to him, no matter how many hugs and kisses and days spent finding seashells...She didn’t make him happy. 

How was that possible? Moomintroll asked himself that many times over the past couple of days. How could someone who seemed so right for him, someone so perfect to be with, not make him happy? Why was it whenever he was with her he felt a yearning for something else? Something different that he just couldn’t find in her arms and words? Maybe he was sick. Maybe not.

Another sigh came from him and slowly he began to sit up. He wanted to talk to someone about this, but it felt wrong. He needed to figure this out on his own, even if everyone would say otherwise. He had hoped looking up to the trees, he would find all the answers in their branches, but in the end he just found himself covered in needles with rocks digging into his spine. 

Maybe he needed to take a journey of self exploration, like Moominpappa had in his youth. Pack a bag and just walk off into the woods. Be like Snufkin for a little while. Maybe that way he could find himself and his thoughts would finally clear. After all, Snufkin never seemed to be troubled with stray thoughts. At least, that’s what Moomintroll thought. But, that was just the thing wasn’t it? It was all what Moomin thought.

He didn’t know a single thing for sure. What he did know was that he was longing for something and he couldn’t find it. There was a hole deep inside of him, it made him feel empty. Like a hollow tree, still standing tall, but there was nothing inside to make it worth living.

Was that really how he felt? Like he had no reason to live? No, that wasn’t quite right. This feeling was different. It would last through the night when he couldn't sleep, thoughts of someone on his mind who would comfort him through the restlessness. Someone he could hold and would hold him in return. Someone who would take his paw and kiss him so tenderly he could nearly cry. Someone who would wrap their tail around his and sit with him for hours without any need for words. This someone was always on his mind, taking up all of his thoughts. They made him feel ill and he didn’t even know who they were.

However, that was a lie.

He knew exactly who the someone was and just didn’t want to admit it. He felt greedy just thinking about it. He could never do such a thing. He could never willingly burden this someone with his feelings. It wouldn’t be fair and the guilt began to swell up inside of him. Was it guilt? Or was it just the feeling of knowing that he couldn’t be open about what he was feeling? Maybe it was a mix of both. He was so tired of bottling up his feelings and his thoughts. All it did was make him feel awful, sick and in pain. He wanted to scream all he felt to the heavens, but what use would that do? Maybe blow off some steam, but that would be it. He would still end up feeling awful again later.

He pulled himself to his feet. His legs felt like jelly, knees knocking together and forcing him to brace himself on the tree he had been laying under. He had been still for too long and his body didn’t seem to want to move just yet. Yet another sigh. What a bother.

“Hullo, Moomintroll.”

Said troll let out a sharp gasp, stumbling over his own feet and falling right back down into the grass and dirt. Embarrassed, he looked away from who had approached him from the bushes. How hadn't he heard anything? Was he really so lost in himself?

“Hello, Snufkin.”

Of course Snufkin would be the first to find him. He knew every inch of the valley, having spent so many years walking over the many hills and meadows. It wouldn't take him long to locate a lost Moomin, but maybe it wasn’t on purpose, after all he had his fishing pole in hand. He must have been out by himself and just stumbled upon the jumpy troll. Thinking that made Moomintroll feel sick again. A deep burning sickness in his stomach that made itself home there. He wished he could just throw it all up and be done with it.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Snufkin spoke, coming to sit beside the troll on an exposed root, placing his fishing rod to the side. This felt backwards, usually it was Moomin who would go out and find Snufkin, not the other way around. He wasn't sure why he liked the idea of the roles being reversed for the time.

“Yes, we-well I’ve been…” He tried to come up with the right word, without completely giving himself away. “Contemplating.”

Contemplating?” Snufkin repeated, but as a question. Moomin wasn’t sure how to answer so he gestured vaguely to the forest around them.

“Yes. About the trees and such.” His tone came out rushed, but he wasn’t trying to be rude. In fact, he was overjoyed to be in Snufkin’s presence. Just the two of them. Alone. He began to feel selfish again. Why couldn't he just feel happy to be spending time with his friend? Why did he suddenly feel so much guilt?

“Ah yes, the trees do give much to contemplate,” Snufkin nodded. He squinted as he looked up at the pines before speaking again. “Have you ever wondered if the trees wished they could walk?”

“Wow, what a coincidence,” Moomintroll said with a half smile. “I was just thinking that.” Snufkin smiled as well and it filled the troll with a sense of joy that he hadn’t felt in some time. It made him think of a hollow tree and the creeps that would decide to make it home. Giving it a new life and purpose. Warm and cozy. Filled with love and happiness.

“It is quite a thought. Trees walking about. I sometimes wonder if they wish for more,” Snufkin continued, nodding up towards the branches above them. “Could it be possible they long for new horizons?”

“I think so,” Moomin said, his voice coming out softer than expected. He found himself no longer looking to the trees. How silly he felt, gazing at his best friend as the golden light of day shone through the branches upon him. He looked elegant, perfectly fitting into his environment. 

“What do you think a tree would do about such a thing?” The mumrik then looked to Moomintroll. The question was honest and sincere. He really wanted to know. Moomin wanted to have all the answers, even if he had none for himself. For Snufkin, he would rack his brain. As it wasn't every day he was asked a question from the tramp who knew almost everything. 

"Maybe they could ask a witch to give them legs,” Moomintroll suggested with a joking smile. Snufkin let out a short laugh that sent the troll’s heart soaring. What a feeling it was. He could feel his mood changing. Snufkin just seemed to have that effect on him. 

“What an idea. Stuck in one place for so long, then be granted the choice to do as you please.” Snufkin had a fondness on his face and Moomin found himself moving to sit upon the same root as him. His hands began to fiddle together and his tail flicked. Being close felt nice. Healing even. His brain began to wander from one thought to another. He felt like a wildly rushing river, splitting off into multiple different directions. Yet, in the end it would always meet back up again in the sea. 

“Snufkin?” Moomin suddenly asked, feeling it leave him before he could fully gather his thoughts. Soon enough, the mumrik’s eyes were on him, patiently waiting for the question that was soon to come. He had that smile on his face. A comfortable one that always let Moomintroll know he could tell him anything.

He wanted to tell him everything.

More than anything else, he wanted to give his heart to Snufkin. To let him know just everything that was on his mind; haunting him day in and day out. Forcing him to suck in every last thought that tried to escape, because he was too afraid to be honest. He didn't usually hide his feelings like this, he wasn't usually a liar, but the guilt had enclosed around him like a Venus fly trap around an innocent gnat. Still, with just a single glance from the mumrik he would let out all the words that he held on his tongue. The words he wanted to say more than anything else. The words that he hoped would make him happy and Snufkin too. Was it even possible? Moomintroll didn't want to get his hopes up, but with the pounding in his chest he couldn't help himself. The thought of the two of them making each other happy was almost too much to bare. It made his eyes twinkle in the sunlight and tail whip around behind him.

“We should go traveling,” he finally said. It wasn’t exactly what he had wanted to say, but it was all he could get out for now. It was enough for now.

“Oh? Where to?” Snufkin’s smile only seemed to grow and Moomin found his paw taking the mumrik's. He began to smile as well. 

"Anywhere."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it and there werent too many mistakes! i also hope i didnt end up sounding repetitive...
> 
> i really wanted to write a fic where these two go on a long adventure, like what happens after this? but im not sure? should i? it would only be like maybe 5 or so chapters long but i dont know, im not used to writing and im not so certain my writing is mmm good
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading!!!


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